By Coach Mike (Your New Slightly Annoying, But Ultimately Loving, Conscience)
Alright, listen up, you magnificent potato. You’ve decided to trade in a portion of your precious scrolling time for something that actually benefits you. Congratulations! This isn’t just a workout plan; it’s a personality upgrade. We’re not just building muscle here; we’re building character, resilience, and the ability to open stubborn pickle jars with a mere glance.
This plan is built on three sacred pillars, more important than the Holy Trinity of Netflix, Uber Eats, and Snoozing Your Alarm:
1. Lift Heavy-ish Things (Strength Training): Because functional strength is what separates us from the jellyfish.
2. Make Your Heart Do Its Job (Cardio): So you can run for a bus without feeling like the protagonist in a horror movie.
3. Fuel the Machine (Nutrition): You are a high-performance vehicle, not a garbage disposal. Stop putting cheap fuel in the tank.
Let’s break this down, shall we?
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Pillar I: The Temple of Iron (Strength Training – 4 Days a Week)
We’re going for a “Bro Split / Upper-Lower Hybrid.” Fancy, right? It just means we’ll hit each muscle group with the focused intensity of a cat watching a laser pointer.
Day 1: Chest & Triceps (A.K.A. “The Push-Up & Push-Day”)
· The Pep Talk: Today, we make your pecs pop and your triceps triumph. No more “man-boob” confusion. We’re going for “armored chest plate.”
· The Workout:
· Barbell Bench Press (The Ego Check): 4 sets of 8-12 reps. Don’t be the guy grunting like a wounded walrus with 5kg on each side. Form over ego, always.
· Incline Dumbbell Press (The Upper Shelf Builder): 3 sets of 10-15 reps. Imagine you’re pushing away Monday morning. Feel the burn. Embrace the burn. Give the burn a name. (I suggest “Steve”).
· Cable Flyes (The Pec-Decoiler): 3 sets of 12-15 reps. Slow and controlled. Imagine you’re hugging a giant, invisible bear that you both love and resent.
· Skull Crushers (The Dramatically Named Exercise): 3 sets of 10-12 reps. Don’t actually crush your skull. That would be counter-productive.
· Tricep Pushdowns (The Rope-Burn Special): 3 sets to failure. Go until your arms feel like wet noodles. Good noodles. Strong noodles.
Day 2: Back & Biceps (A.K.A. “The Pull-Up & Posture Day”)
· The Pep Talk: Today, we build a back that could solve world peace. We’re fighting the “office hunchback” and creating a V-taper so sharp, you’ll get a tax deduction for it.
· The Workout:
· Deadlifts (The King of All Lifts): 3 sets of 5-8 reps. This is where legends are made. Back straight, core tight. Lift with your legs and the power of your ancestors. This exercise alone adds 10 years to your life and 50 points to your coolness stat.
· Pull-Ups or Lat Pulldowns (The Wing-Maker): 4 sets to failure (or 8-12 reps for pulldowns). If you can’t do a pull-up, no shame. Use the assisted machine. We all start somewhere.
· Bent-Over Barbell Rows (The Posture Police): 3 sets of 8-10 reps. Row the boat to Gainsville. Squeeze those shoulder blades like you’re trying to crack a walnut between them.
· Seated Cable Rows (The Mid-Back Marvel): 3 sets of 10-15 reps.
· Barbell Curls (The Classic Gun Show): 3 sets of 10-12 reps. No swinging! Your back is not a co-conspirator in this crime. Isolate those biceps.
Day 3: Legs & Glutes (A.K.A. “The Day You’ll Learn to Fear Stairs”)
· The Pep Talk: Don’t you dare skip leg day. The universe is watching. We’re building a foundation that would make the Romans jealous. Get ready to walk funny tomorrow. It’s a badge of honor.
· The Workout:
· Barbell Back Squats (The Quad-Quaker): 4 sets of 6-10 reps. Ass to grass? Maybe not at first. But get parallel. Your future self will thank you.
· Romanian Deadlifts (The Hamstring Hugger): 3 sets of 10-12 reps. This is for the hammies and glutes. Keep a slight bend in the knee and feel that stretch. It’s a good pain.
· Walking Lunges (The Stairway to Heaven’s Pain Department): 3 sets of 10-12 reps per leg. Walk with purpose. You are a majestic gazelle… a very slow, painful gazelle.
· Leg Press (The Ego-Booster): 3 sets of 15-20 reps. Go heavy here if you want. It’s safer than squats for pushing volume.
· Calf Raises (The “Why Are They So Stubborn?” Exercise): 5 sets of 20 reps. Calves are like teenagers; they need constant, annoying attention to get results.
Day 4: Shoulders & Core (A.K.A. “The Boulder Shoulder & Washboard Abs Illusion Day”)
· The Pep Talk: Today, we build shoulders you could serve drinks off. We’re creating the illusion of a smaller waist by making your shoulders broader. It’s science. And magic.
· The Workout:
· Overhead Press (The King of Upper Body): 4 sets of 8-10 reps. Stand tall, press the heavens away from you. Don’t let your ego arch your back into a pretzel.
· Dumbbell Lateral Raises (The Cape-Activator): 3 sets of 12-15 reps. Use a weight that’s challenging but doesn’t force you to use momentum. Imagine you’re pouring two jugs of water out to the side. This burns so good.
· Face Pulls (The Posture Corrector & Rotator Cuff Savior): 3 sets of 15-20 reps. Do these. Do them forever. Your future rotator cuffs will send you a thank-you card.
· Plank (The Humble Torturer): 3 sets, hold for as long as possible.
· Hanging Leg Raises (The Six-Pack Sculptor): 3 sets to failure. If you can’t hang, do lying leg raises. We’re targeting those lower abs.
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Pillar II: The Cardio Conundrum (2-3 Days a Week)
You have options. Choose your fighter:
· Option A: The Steady-State Snooze-Fest. 30-45 minutes on a bike, elliptical, or brisk walk on an incline. Pop in your earbuds, watch a show, and just get it done. It’s meditative.
· Option B: The HIIT Hellscape (High-Intensity Interval Training). For the time-poor masochist.
· Example: 30 seconds of all-out sprinting on the bike or burpees (the devil’s exercise), followed by 60 seconds of slow rest.
· Repeat this 8-10 times. This takes 15-20 minutes and will incinerate calories while making you question all your life choices.
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Pillar III: The Kitchen Chronicles (Nutrition – The Unsexy Truth)
Look, you can’t out-train a bad diet. It’s like trying to bail out a sinking boat with a teaspoon.
· Protein: Is your new best friend. Chicken, fish, eggs, steak, tofu, lentils. Eat it with (almost) every meal. It builds and repairs muscle. Aim for 1.5-2g per kg of bodyweight.
· Carbs: Are not the enemy. They are your fuel. Oats, sweet potatoes, rice, quinoa. Eat them around your workouts for energy.
· Fats: Are essential for, you know, living. Avocado, nuts, olive oil, fatty fish. They keep your hormones happy.
· Water: Drink it. All of it. Your muscles are 76% water. Stop walking around like a dehydrated raisin.
· The 80/20 Rule: Eat clean 80% of the time. The other 20%, have that pizza, enjoy that beer. Life is for living, not for suffering over a missed kale smoothie.
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Final Words of “Wisdom”
· Sleep 7-9 hours. Your body builds muscle when you rest, not when you’re in the gym. Stop burning the candle at both ends.
· Form over weight. Always. I will haunt your dreams if I see you doing quarter-squats.
· Be consistent. Motivation is fickle. Discipline is what gets you results. Show up even when you don’t feel like it.
· Track your progress. Take photos, write down your lifts. The scale is a liar sometimes; the progress photo is the holy scripture.
This is your journey. It’s going to be hard, sweaty, and sometimes you’ll want to cry in the squat rack. But one day, you’ll look in the mirror and see a stronger, more capable, and more confident version of yourself staring back. And that, my friend, is worth every single drop of sweat.
Now get out there and crush it.
Yours in Gains,
Coach Mike
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